Stray Dog

I thought I've completely overcome my fear for stray dogs, until I come across one tonight. I had to take something this evening at Lok Lo Ha Village and to my surprise there was a very big stray dog. There was a lady way ahead of me when I suddenly saw the dog barking and tailing at her. When she was in a good distance the dog went to the other side but then he (let's assume the dog is a boy) saw me and barked madly. I felt that old chill that stray dogs give me, my heart went beating fast, I find it hard to breathe and I was in near panic but one thing I always remember: DO NOT RUN even if I felt like it. you see, he was barking so loud, he looks like a German Shepeherd ( I don't know if I was hallucinating but he was real scary). Now the more serious problem was how to go back the train station when he's still lurking in the dark. I was seriously burdened, I kept on asking "Why on earth is there a stray dog in HK? It's only in the Philippines." As I was nearing his camp a scooter came and stopped. The driver drop off the lady. I quicken my step and asked the driver if there's another way to go to the station and just my luck there was none. He said to take "that" way and I quickly replied "But there's a big dog. Does it bite?" And he assured me that it was pretty safe to walk by and he suggested to take the opposite path since it was in the other side, our side. I almost ran but I haven't reached the path when the dog went over there. I literally banged my head on my fist. I was beginning to get scared again, heart wildly beating, sweating cold in a very humid evening. I don't know whether I looked crazy, pitiful or funny but the driver called out and said we could walk by the path together. I was overjoyed. He went ahead and stopped at the corner where the dog appears, I looked at him an bowed saying thank you and then he let me walk first for a couple of meters before he gained speed, halting a little as he passed me by to say "bye". I was more than relieved and I realized I was biting my nails the whole time. I hope I'll get rid of this fear but I am ever so thankful because in simple episodes of my life like this God never left my side. He always sent that almost 'knight-in-shining-armor" of all ages to help me; little boys walking with me to show the way to McDonalds, teenagers translating in Cantonese when they hear I can't speak their language, adults opening doors for you and grandpas being nice when I'm looking for a seat. Thank you Lord, my promise keeping Father. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for the stray dog that reminded me of my God's faithfulness.

When pain changes your heart

I haven't written anything significant for a while.  It isn't due to the lack of ideas, random thoughts and sentiments or inspiration.  I choose not to write because I felt there isn't anything special to talk about.  Seriously, what could be interesting in my life?

But these past two days of physical pain changed my heart.  I needed to write.  Writing has always been my healing space.  I didn't really care much of how would people perceive and judge my writing which includes grammatical errors and wrong spellings, but I do care about taking into account whatever experiences that I have learned from and I value the goodness and mercy of God in each of these events and in wanting to remember I have to write about it.

Now I've said physical pain changed my heart and it was true.  I have never been dead tired in my life like that of these past two days.  There have been times I was afraid that my heart would suddenly stop.  There have been moments when I felt like I have exhausted all the oxygen in my body and that I would just pass out.  My muscles and every sinews that connects them scream as I push forward to do the things I was tasked to do.  For you to have an idea, try to carry a variation of 5-15 kilos of something and try to bring it to the third floor by foot countless times within the day in the heat of summer.  I have been literally bathing in sweat but there were times I felt like they were blood, and though I wanted to cry I just couldn't, I felt like my eyes were deprived of any fluid as they have been all used up by the other parts of the body.

I may sound complaining and perhaps I am, forgive me then.  But let me tell you that in times when I feel this kind of pain and pressure I become reflective of who I am and how much I have been loved.  I have a simple antidote for this kind of difficulties, I would think of how much the cross weight on his shoulders, of how painful were the thorns crushing and destroying his very muscles and tissues, how it felt to be really thirsty and that being given a decent drink is impossible.  Then and there I would feel relieved, I would find the strength to carry on and finish.  No, I have not been deserving of all that he did for me and I will never be, and that, that breaks my heart in a very beautiful way.

I have needed this kind of pain for a long time.  The days when I have chosen not to write were days I let loose of what is eternally important for me.  Those days have been like a haunting pair of regrets and what might have been coupled with anxiety and fear for what is to come. I have been asking and wondering of the things I have given up and fearful that I would end up a loser.  It's been like the physical pain surfaced the emotional and spiritual turmoil I have been going through.

So there you go, I haven't figure everything out yet, so to speak.  I'm still battling and for the coming week the days will still be tiring, far less from the previous two but nevertheless tiring.  However, I've decided that I am going to celebrate these tiresome and painful days.  Suffering seems to keep me on track. Cheer me up. Fighting!!!

At the back...

Why do I love looking at people's back?
Why do I always prefer to stay behind at the back?
Simply because I want to make sure someone's gonna be there if they fall.
When evil strikes from behind I'll be there for defense standing like a wall.
Why do I often fall in love with the one who turns their back?
Well, I'd rather be left behind and rejected; I'd rather love unrequited
Than be the one to cause pain and make someone feel unwanted
Yes, I stand unwavered with this seemingly weird conviction
You see when I look at them from this perspective and form
I have time to savor the moment they walk away, leaving me behind
Like a videograph I would capture every detail in high definition
Memoirs are stored in the heart and in the mind
So that in the coming bittersweet days of reminsicing
I indeed would have them back.