After
the storm-like rain down pour yesterday afternoon, tides of sadness washed over
me last night. No it was not the kind that sent ripples when my hormones
come to imbalance. It came so strong that for a moment I considered
packing my things and leave. I wanted to take the journey I have long dreamed
of. I wanted to leave all the things that were familiar.
Familiar? It was such a
strange word last night. No. Things that were familiar before are
no more. That was why I wanted to leave, to walk away from everything
that was familiar because this familiarity seems to be rather disturbing.
I wanted to go to that one place where everything is unknown, where every face
nameless and to where I could silently exist.
Maybe I’ll go to the mountains
where I could look down over Your creation or above to the clear skies with
birds hovering me. Where I could be one with the wind and hear them
whisper their hymns for You. Then I would lie in the fresh green ground
and let the wild flowers dance beside me. I wanted to go there where it
could just be You and me.
Solitude is two faced. You
can be in a place where everything that surrounds you is a part of you and yet
you feel alone. Solitude can be a place where you are on your own but you
feel in unison with everything. I stand still at the moment in the middle
of these two solitude.
Standing at that crossroad never
bothered me this much before, not until last night. Not until I realized
what it does to my existence or was it my inexistence?
But was my existence really for
my gain? I could embark on my journey. Forget it all. Forget
them all. Think of my going away an act of courage but who do I kid?
Life is a battlefield.
Love is a battlefield. And I’ve said it once before that in this battle I
am raising my Master’s banner. Why would I leave the battlefield? Should
I leave the battle? Will I make Him proud then?
A little rest with Him was all I
wanted. Perhaps a little break from this battle? When and where You
could tell me of Your truths and remind me of Your grace and love. Then
that might refresh me of the boldness and courage to say yes for another day.
Another day to have:
The
boldness to stand in Your truth.
The
courage to face every difficulty.
The
faith to trust in Your best plan ahead.
The
strength to share Your word.
The humility to shine for You.
Your joy
amidst sadness.
Your
peace to calm my anxieties.
Your
love to love the people difficult to love;
And Your grace to carry on loving them.
I lay in my bed last night
thinking of these thoughts. My right hand reached on the left side of the
pillow for my Bible. I went to that place where in my solitude I am
united to His creation. I went to hear of His words. I said sorry
and He said it was alright.
Our conversation went on and the
tide of sadness raging was calmed like the afternoon storm.
