A Broken Misfit

I don't know if it is the continuous decline in temperature causing my hand and feet to become extremely numb and cold that produced this nagging feeling of emptiness inside my heart.  I should be thankful that's why I feel guilty feeling the need to rant and to feel bad about this whole idea I've decided to put myself into.  It would have been easier if I were back home, I could just hide in the warm shell of my room and just pour out my heart to its content but things are way too different here.

Here, where people are always in a rush, they have no time to stop and smell the flowers nor be in awe of the beauty of the seemingly endless horizon.  Here where people rarely offer a smile but constantly look down at people under their noses. Here in the place where prosperity abounds but it's difficult to be content... Here is where You have taken me... yes here where gentleness is weakness and tears unnecessary. I feel like a misfit and yet I've always been a misfit; so once again I know deep within me that this is where You want me to be.

Like the broken jar of clay with so much flaws, yes with much flaw, will You let them see Your surpassing power and glory and not the prideful, ugly heart I carry?

For now, I pray for grace to carry on with the task You've set ahead for me... I'm trusting You with all of my brokenness.

The Thirty Days After...

The first thirty days of my faith journey and never did your grace and mercy ever ceased...

Thank you will never be enough my Savior King.

I had a literally sweet 33rd.

My 33rd birthday cake...

A good reminder for my birthday...

Fusion of the west and the orient...

The aftermath


Central is not my kind of place. Too noisy to suit my taste. I walk the foot bridge leaving behind the tide of strange faces.

The ferry ride from Central to Tsim Sha Tsui reminded me of my childhood memories of pump boat ride from Dumagute to Siquijor. :)

Some err Korean and Western Tourist enjoying the view of the harbor. And yes the two guys we're displaying their "aegyo" too much... :)

Walking around with people of other culture and race feels great.  We always find little favors like the Filipina woman who offered to take a picture of me and Olen together as well as the German guy, whom we politely declined. And yes, some Chinese mainlanders thought we were Chinese.  Do we look Chinese? We also get to see Spiderman. Yay!!!

We ended the walk along Avenue of Stars with Bruce Lee and Jacky Chan (who happened to be one of my biggest crush when I was in Preschool) and finally at Hong Kong Space Museum, I would surely find time to visit the museum soon, on a Wednesday when it's for free!  :)

I think I've gone overboard being a little "selfie" but what's the point of all these?  The thing is, never have I imagined to be here... to see these... I had an all together different plans.  Plans which I've cried, perspired and bled for.  Plans so grand it pushed my Creator in such far distance.  I'm so thankful He is almighty and loving that He didn't let me have my own ways so I could learn more to trust His perfect will.  I still have those selfish dreams lurking around my heart and my head but His relentless love will not give up on a wretched fool like me.

Now I stand still in this very fast moving city... This vast crossroad causes my heart to beat wildly with anticipation of how far and how long this journey will take.  Trusting everyday to my ever faithful Father and starting it off with the first thirty days after... :)

One thing have I asked of the Lord,

    that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

    all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

    and to inquire[c] in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

To the Lover of my Soul

Thank You for sustaining me today...

For the wisdom and knowledge during my class this morning.

I couldn't have done it without you because I was so nervous and in pain.

Once again, You've amazed me with your grace.

(It worked so much faster than Alaxan Ibu Fluid gel caps.)

Somewhere in the middle in pain and physical discomfort, I faltered because I lost my focus on You,

But You were quick to remind that everything is all about You.

Teach my heart humility for I am nothing apart from you...

So all the things they've said and I've heard after I said "Thank you..."

All those credits is unto You, lover of my soul.

Sweet Surrender

I am currently in conflict with myself, my emotion that is, because I am attracted with someone.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe it is crazy.  Some might say that women at my age do not worry over a little crush, but I do.  I know I should not feel this way but it goes on.  I am entangled with the very web I have created. So I write and chant this to myself:

Only for YOU:

My eyes will light up,

My heart will beat fast,

My thoughts will run free,

My love will be.

The problem is; my intentions, however good they are, are always easier said than done.  I try to kill the feeling by terminating the things associated to the object of my affection but it creeps back to life in a heartbeat once I let my defenses weaken.  So I resolved to this: I have to guard my heart.  I have to run to You.  I have to seek Your will in You word.

It is already late and I have the TV on only to fill the loud silence at home.  My mind is wandering, weaving stories and I am walking very close to the edge of feeding my emotion, very close to pondering about him, “My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again…” I could almost hear Taylor singing. 

With earnestness, I knock off the thoughts and walk away from the television to seek the shelter of God’s word.  Still feeling at lost, I pray and He leads me to the fifth chapter of Paul’s letter to the saints in Ephesus.  It is entitled “Walk in Love” (ESV). 

Walking however active it is, represents my surrender.  I walk when I encounter the strongest emotions.  I walk around not to find answers but to exhaust my energy.  I walk to feel weak and tired.  I walk to end up in bed without any strength left to think but enough to pray and surrender everything to Him.  I walk to kill my pride and my “I can handle this” attitude.  I walk to remind myself that I am limitless and nothing without Him.

The chapter is full of reminders from Paul useful to the believers in Ephesus then and to the believers of today.  But I like to ponder on what tugs in my heart and spirit.  The first and the most important; the Bible calls us to imitate God because we are His beloved children (v.1).  Second, I am to walk in love just as Christ loves us and gave himself for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (v.2); and in the pursuit of loving the Father, I must be pure and flee from sexual immorality (v.3a).  The word also summons for the sleepers to awake and to rise from the dead and Christ will shine (v. 14b).  These are all initial instructions for the latter part of the chapter, which tackles about husband and wife (verses 22-33).

God, clearly and without question, shows how I must deal with the emotion that I have right now.  Does this help me in imitating God and Christ in his walk of love?  Will this feeling leads me to impure thoughts and to the guilt of sexual immorality?  If I continue to nurse my infatuation, will I see Christ clearly or will it cloud my vision of which is eternally satisfying and beautiful? Will Christ be glorified if I allow myself to be seized with this seemingly harmless ideation that makes way to the deceits of the world?

The answer cannot be denied.  Walk in love.  Surrender. Imitate God and Christ.  Give yourself, (including my emotions) as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Surrender is arduous yet it can be sweet because it allows my selfish intents and crazy romantic ideas to be crushed into the mortar and pestle of God’s profound and perfect truth. The word extracts the oil which is truly essential. The oil is the fragrance of obedience; it is the sacrifice of love. 

God’s word even in seemingly mundane issues like getting attracted to the opposite sex, guides us.  Only by learning to walk in the steps of Jesus and submitting to His will, we could learn the better way on how to relate with our brothers and sisters in faith. And ultimately, if God wills it to be, imitating Him is a preparation on how we are to love the one He has prepared for us.

In Micah 6:8, it is written that God requires man to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God.  My walk with Jesus is my surrender.  In humility and with repentance, I embrace the wisdom, the loving corrections and reminders of His living word.  I will follow Him and that includes submitting my all (and all) to His mercy and grace; as well as His wisdom and plans.

With a humble heart, I pray that the Lord gives me the grace and joy to subject all that I am in the crushing of His words (yes, just like the old fashioned mortar and pestle that breaks and grinds).

Jesus, help me carry on with my surrender, so I could taste how sweet it is for my soul.

Cheer the Sad and the Lone

Loneliness, such a common idea we encounter every day, so natural a feeling; so much like love but extremely different.  I hear people say “I’m in love…” but seldom will they admit that they are lonely.

“Have you ever been lonely?”

 I mean loneliness in its truest sense?

In the Seminary as I train for Psychotherapy, I have seen different faces of loneliness.  And loneliness has its own power; it produces in you different feelings.  The most common I have seen and heard associated with loneliness are: emptiness, frustration, hopelessness, lack of worth, the feeling of being abandoned, alone and unloved. 

Loneliness can strike any gender, young and old, rich and poor; dark skinned and fair skinned, non-Christians and Christians.  And the reason of each person’s loneliness is as varied as the kind of people it can affect.

In our class, I heard individuals share their loneliness and since I was tasked and limited to use my heart and my senses during group therapy, I felt how real it was.  The anguish of one’s soul tormented with loneliness was heart breaking and humbling. Yes I was humbled because being lonely is something I will not admit; out of my sinful and proud heart I will not allow people to see me in a state where I will look helpless.  So I resorted to lies and pretentions that I was tough.  It was ironic that the very thing I avoid with my pride and image exalting lies reduced me exactly back to what I was: helpless.

“Is it bad to feel lonely?”

 Why did I ask? Well, because back then I was not sure if it is right to feel lonely.  But I’ve encountered David in the 25^th chapter of Psalm, verse 16 “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”  The man after God’s own heart felt lonely and cried out to God for grace.  In the next verses, he begged God to bring him out of his distress (loneliness, affliction and trouble) and to forgive his sins.

God impressed upon my heart that being lonely wasn’t altogether bad but what we do with the loneliness we feel mattered the most.  David lifted up his loneliness upon God and acknowledged that he was helpless, that he cannot solve it on his own.  In his helplessness God’s power and glory was magnified. 

“Did I ever admit that I was lonely?”

Yes. At one instance during our sessions, I did talk about my loneliness. I told them how much I miss my Mom and my Dad and my brother Gabby: I felt abandoned.  I shared how difficult it was to be alone when I feel sick: I was unloved. I allowed them to know that when I am alone, silence became so loud it was a little scary: I was going nuts.  I told them how bad I feel when I hurt the people I love the most:  I was a sore loser and worthless.  I mentioned about the time I woke up early in the morning and broke into tears without knowing why: I felt lost.

“What happened?”

 Admitting to God that I was lonely and that I needed Him was liberating. Allowing people to see how weak, helpless and desolate I was without God’s grace gave me not just freedom but also peace.  No more lies, no more tough image to protect. My identity rested on my Saviour’s grace and righteousness.

“What is the point of all these?”

 I’d like to remind myself that loneliness is real.  It grips a person’s heart and it could extract and exhaust the joy God puts in it.  I do not want to forget that there are people out there struggling with their loneliness.  They are afraid to be discovered and ridiculed and they are walking very close to the boundaries depression. I pray that I could be used to let the truth be known; that when loneliness sets in, like David one should earnestly seek God and humbly ask for His grace, redemption and forgiveness.

The pit of loneliness however dim it seems can be a spring of hope.  When loneliness meets the gospel, joy is restored and praises abound. “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”   Psalm 42:11

Phasmatodea visits...

I had a visitor...

I found this little creature lurking just outside the house one Saturday morning rushing to school.  I first saw this at UPLB Museum of Natural History and thought their kind was endangered, so finding it was a surprise and a delight! There's hope for biological diversity after all!