The Refusal

Now what?

I was refused by Japan’s Ministry of Education, Culture and Sports for their Teacher Training Program scholarship grant. It was the final leg of the selection and I have waited for their reply for two months. If it was of any consolation, they were very kind to send a notice via priority mail services. It was seemingly ironic that an unpleasant message for the recipient was an urgency to the sender.

The letter was very clear and concise and very polite. It stated that they were sorry for I was not able to pass the final selection because the competition among the participants for the grant coming from around the globe was very tight. They also expressed their appreciation for the time and effort spent for the application and they encouraged me to apply again in the future. Although a bearer of sad news, I was very thankful for that letter. It was an answered prayer for it would have been more difficult to be left hanging without a clue.

I held on for the news for a night waiting for tears of disappointment to wash over me but then it did not come.

Then it started, metacognition ignited; it sparked up and led me to ponder on what to do next. It was working over time that I felt like sleeping only to think and to think just to find the solace of sleep. For the next 72 hours these were what I did and felt. It was like running in an endless thread mill without an option to stop. But then I knew that at some point I was going to drop.

Then what I expected came. At a snap, I closed my eyes and took a fall. It was long free fall equated to how big a failure I felt I became. Nevertheless I was prepared for a loud “thud”; anticipating broken bones, a bleeding heart, shattered dreams and a crushed spirit. I shut my eyes tighter before I make peace with gravity only to find myself afloat in the ocean of Your grace.

The waves were mighty and yet comforting. Salt water washed over my face; its taste reminded me of my unshed tears. Then a thought dawned to me: The vastness of the ocean and its depth remained incomparable to His grace. For if ever I did exhaust my strength to understand Your will in my present circumstance, I knew that it would only lead me to discover that there are more mysteries of Him and His will upon my life. And if indeed grace was an ocean, I would not drown because You will still be the buoyant force that would keep me above everything.

It was crazy but a question answered my question on “now what”? How do I deal with another epic failure on Micah’s life 101? God asked me, “Where does your satisfaction lies?”

I was astounded and was taken back to our Youth Group’s bible study and theme for the upcoming evangelistic concert. Philippians 3 verses 7-8. I don’t even know if I was right to compare myself to Paul’s losses and sufferings. I just knew that whatever lost I have had it would be nothing in compare to the greater gain of knowing Christ, of knowing that He is more beautiful than my dream of walking a Japanese University’s hall.

Amazingly the profound truth that God revealed to Paul thousands of years ago still stands true in the 21^st century. It was the truth that God wanted me to grasp through the faith that He had given me; the very same faith that He was refining through this suffering of being rejected by the standards of the world.

During the course of my wait I prayerfully embraced John Piper’s words: “God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him not in the midst of triumphs and prosperity but in trials and sufferings. Today it still remained to be the anthems of my prayers; that in everyday may it become an opportunity to see Him as exceedingly beautiful than this world has to offer.

While waiting I also prayed, not only for the favorable result of the scholarship but for His will to be done in my life; this was His will. For the 72 hours the sinner’s heart in me wrestled with Him and once again I was reduced to where exactly I stand: at the mercy and grace of my Father’s hand.

I now became a defeated victor; only reveling at the glory of my Master; only not losing hope in spite of a failure; only never being afraid to again to take chances and make choices; only being certain that I could have everything or nothing but both amounting to ashes if Jesus remained elusive.

Now what? One thing is clear I lost the scholarship but the beauty of God’s faithfulness shines all the brightest and brighter than the dreams I’ve weaved. Now what? I lost the chance to study this year but the hope burns ever more alive in me knowing that God is true to His words and that He has a purpose, only to be made with me in His perfect time. Now what? My heart finds satisfaction in knowing that He is in control.