Sweet Surrender

I am currently in conflict with myself, my emotion that is, because I am attracted with someone.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe it is crazy.  Some might say that women at my age do not worry over a little crush, but I do.  I know I should not feel this way but it goes on.  I am entangled with the very web I have created. So I write and chant this to myself:

Only for YOU:

My eyes will light up,

My heart will beat fast,

My thoughts will run free,

My love will be.

The problem is; my intentions, however good they are, are always easier said than done.  I try to kill the feeling by terminating the things associated to the object of my affection but it creeps back to life in a heartbeat once I let my defenses weaken.  So I resolved to this: I have to guard my heart.  I have to run to You.  I have to seek Your will in You word.

It is already late and I have the TV on only to fill the loud silence at home.  My mind is wandering, weaving stories and I am walking very close to the edge of feeding my emotion, very close to pondering about him, “My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again…” I could almost hear Taylor singing. 

With earnestness, I knock off the thoughts and walk away from the television to seek the shelter of God’s word.  Still feeling at lost, I pray and He leads me to the fifth chapter of Paul’s letter to the saints in Ephesus.  It is entitled “Walk in Love” (ESV). 

Walking however active it is, represents my surrender.  I walk when I encounter the strongest emotions.  I walk around not to find answers but to exhaust my energy.  I walk to feel weak and tired.  I walk to end up in bed without any strength left to think but enough to pray and surrender everything to Him.  I walk to kill my pride and my “I can handle this” attitude.  I walk to remind myself that I am limitless and nothing without Him.

The chapter is full of reminders from Paul useful to the believers in Ephesus then and to the believers of today.  But I like to ponder on what tugs in my heart and spirit.  The first and the most important; the Bible calls us to imitate God because we are His beloved children (v.1).  Second, I am to walk in love just as Christ loves us and gave himself for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (v.2); and in the pursuit of loving the Father, I must be pure and flee from sexual immorality (v.3a).  The word also summons for the sleepers to awake and to rise from the dead and Christ will shine (v. 14b).  These are all initial instructions for the latter part of the chapter, which tackles about husband and wife (verses 22-33).

God, clearly and without question, shows how I must deal with the emotion that I have right now.  Does this help me in imitating God and Christ in his walk of love?  Will this feeling leads me to impure thoughts and to the guilt of sexual immorality?  If I continue to nurse my infatuation, will I see Christ clearly or will it cloud my vision of which is eternally satisfying and beautiful? Will Christ be glorified if I allow myself to be seized with this seemingly harmless ideation that makes way to the deceits of the world?

The answer cannot be denied.  Walk in love.  Surrender. Imitate God and Christ.  Give yourself, (including my emotions) as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Surrender is arduous yet it can be sweet because it allows my selfish intents and crazy romantic ideas to be crushed into the mortar and pestle of God’s profound and perfect truth. The word extracts the oil which is truly essential. The oil is the fragrance of obedience; it is the sacrifice of love. 

God’s word even in seemingly mundane issues like getting attracted to the opposite sex, guides us.  Only by learning to walk in the steps of Jesus and submitting to His will, we could learn the better way on how to relate with our brothers and sisters in faith. And ultimately, if God wills it to be, imitating Him is a preparation on how we are to love the one He has prepared for us.

In Micah 6:8, it is written that God requires man to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God.  My walk with Jesus is my surrender.  In humility and with repentance, I embrace the wisdom, the loving corrections and reminders of His living word.  I will follow Him and that includes submitting my all (and all) to His mercy and grace; as well as His wisdom and plans.

With a humble heart, I pray that the Lord gives me the grace and joy to subject all that I am in the crushing of His words (yes, just like the old fashioned mortar and pestle that breaks and grinds).

Jesus, help me carry on with my surrender, so I could taste how sweet it is for my soul.